To Woo a Princess
by D. G. D. Davidson
Summary: He has loved her since he was a foal, and now that he's full-grown, he hopes to court her, but he has a problem: she is an immortal goddess, and he is only an Earth Pony. Worse yet, she has vowed never to marry anypony who can't defeat her in combat!
1. Pipsqueak

To Woo a Princess

D. G. D. Davidson

My Little Pony is © 2012 by Hasbro, Inc.

**Chapter 1: Pipsqueak**

You can call me Pipsqueak, so long as it's not to my face. I may be short, but I'm a mean son of a nag, and most of the other ponies know it.

Mind you, I'm not claiming that's a good thing. About a year ago, I discovered I needed a crash course in polite manners.

I'm smaller than most ponies because I have short cannons, but short cannons have their advantages: I can jump well, run a long time, and I'm not prone to leg injuries. For my height, I have thick bones and big hooves with good cups, too. I'm not pretty or graceful, but I'm tough. I come from a long line of almost pureblood Earth Ponies: my grandsire once bragged that there hadn't been a Unicorn or Pegasus in our family for fifteen generations. When I was a colt, I never understood why that mattered to him, and, come to think of it, I still don't, but I guess an unbroken record is always something somepony will take pride in.

To me, however, unmixed Earth Pony blood proved a liability, especially when I was little. Most ponies have coats of only one colour, but with all that endogamy in the family, I ended up with some recessive trait that made me the only pinto - white with brown spots - in Trottingham. That made me a target for bullies, and being unusually small didn't help, either. I spent my early years getting knocked around.

Purebred Earth Ponies that they were, my parents were farmhooves, so when a Pegasus screw-up put Trottingham through a drought at the same time news arrived of bumper apple crops in Ponyville, we packed up and moved. My sire hoped to find a steady job with good pay, and I hoped a new town and a new school might mean a chance to make friends and to meet colts who wouldn't beat me up or tell me I looked like a dog.

My hopes were dashed after I enrolled in school and found myself under the hoof of a jackass - no offense to actual jackasses, some of whom are decent folk - named Snips. Looking back, I think Snips, who was runtish himself, just took advantage of the opportunity to pick on somepony smaller than he was. Still, he made my early months in Ponyville a living Tartarus.

* * *

><p>Aside from getting beat up, my clearest memory from early foalhood is my first Nightmare Night.<p>

Nightmare Night wasn't a big deal in Trottingham, and my family never celebrated it there: Grandsire didn't approve of the holiday, saying Night Mare Moon was just an old mare's tale, not the sort of thing to fill an impressionable colt's head with. My dam gently pointed out to him that Night Mare Moon had in fact returned from her thousand years' imprisonment and was once again Princess Luna, and that it had been in all the papers. In reply, Grandsire simply snorted and said he didn't much believe what he read in the papers.

Because I couldn't make friends among the colts at my new school, I hung out with the fillies instead, which of course meant the colts teased me even more. About a week before Nightmare Night rolled around, my filly friends told me Granny Smith and Pinkie Pie were taking them door to door for sweets, and that I should come along.

I begged my dam until she gave in. She bought me a cheap pirate costume complete with a plastic eye patch and a rubber cutlass. I'm sure I must have looked absurd, but at that age, when I put on that outfit and pranced around and made faces at myself in front of a mirror, I thought I looked like the scourge of the seven seas, and I imagined Snips would think twice before picking on me if he saw me in that getup.

Nightmare Night was fantastic. It didn't take us long to get buzzed on sugar, and then we played carnival games, pulled pranks, and let a zebra named Zecora scare the hay out of us while telling the legend of Night Mare Moon, the evil princess who roamed forth once a year to gobble up little ponies. But it was fantastic most especially because Princess Luna herself showed up. She was frightening and powerful, even better than the legend. She flew overhead in a black chariot, and thunderclouds rolled in behind her. My first glimpse of her was of her hooded head and fierce, glowing eyes. She landed in the middle of town, transformed her cloak into a cloud of bats, and announced herself with a deafening voice that made a strong wind like a hurricane. Pinkie Pie, who was something like an overgrown filly, encouraged all of us to scream and run away from her. It was a lot of fun, we loved it, and we were too young to realize we were enjoying ourselves at Luna's expense. We were just children, so of course we took any opportunity to scream and run around.

Young as I was, I didn't understand most of what happened that night, though I could piece it together when I grew older. Wounded by our antics, Luna declared that she would abolish Nightmare Night forever, an announcement that left us all deflated. Some foals cried. Nonetheless, we still went to the statue of Nightmare Moon at the edge of the Everfree Forest and poured out some of the sweets from our bags, following the tradition.

The princess appeared at the statue and yelled at us. We weren't sure if she was angry because we were still celebrating after she told us not to, or perhaps because she had decided she really did want to gobble us up after all. We ran like mad and jumped in a bush to hide.

In the bushes, Piña Colada, who was dressed as a ladybug, told me to ask Luna not to ban Nightmare Night. 'Go do it, Pip!' she hissed. 'Go talk to her! Now's your chance!'

Luna had just scared me half to death, so I had no intention of getting anywhere near her. 'You go do it!' I hissed back.

'You're the only boy here,' said Alula, who was dressed as an astronaut, 'so you have to do it.'

'I won't,' I answered. 'She's well scary, you know. She could gobble us up, and she nearly got me at the apple-bobbing.'

'I dare you,' said Piña Colada.

'I double-pony dare you,' said Alula.

I couldn't turn down a double-pony dare unless I wanted to be an even bigger laughingstock than I already was, so I ponied up, drew on as much courage as I could muster, walked out of those bushes, and tugged on Luna's mane with my teeth.

Yes, yes, I know. Every time I tell this story, somepony points out that you should never tug the royal mane. Did I already mention that I don't have the best manners? Anyway, I was just a foal at the time, so lay off.

Fortunately for me, Luna refrained from giving me what I deserved for grabbing her attention by literally grabbing her, and I asked her if perhaps she could come back to Ponyville next year and scare us again, even if there would be no Nightmare Night. That wasn't what I meant to say, but I was nervous as Tartarus, so the words didn't come out quite right.

In a voice so loud she nearly blew me across the meadow, she told me she would reinstate the holiday. I yelled, 'You're my favourite princess ever!' Then I ran to her and hugged her hooves - yes, I grabbed the royal hooves, too - and after that, I trotted back to my friends and shouted, 'She said yes, guys!'

I spent the rest of the evening receiving congratulations for my bravery, and Luna really got into the spirit of things, scaring all the villagers and joining the carnival games. I tugged her tail - I know what you're going to say, so shut up - and poured an entire bag of sweets in front of her, as my offering to Night Mare Moon. By that point, I had a tummy ache from too many sweets, so it wasn't much of a sacrifice.

* * *

><p>I had thought that by personally saving Nightmare Night, I would at last receive the admiration and love of my classmates. I was wrong. Alula and Piña Colada were nice to me, of course, but they'd been nice to me already. The colts, and Snips especially, were still jerks.<p>

But Princess Luna had inspired me, though perhaps not in the right way. I decided I wasn't going to take it anymore. I was going to get tough. I started by taking exercise in the afternoons after school, running and jumping and kicking, just to build some muscle. One evening, my dam caught me leaping back and forth over a fence and warned me I'd end up with a 'jumper's bump' if I worked myself too hard at such a young age. I didn't understand then what that meant or how serious it was, but I had short loins and good coupling, so what she predicted never happened anyway.

After a few months, I started getting noticeably stronger, though I was still smaller than my classmates. Once, when Snips hit me, I got up the courage to hit him back. I spun and gave him a solid kick to the nose, cracking his muzzle. He cried and bled all over the schoolyard, and the other children started bawling. Our teacher, Miss Cheerilee, grabbed one of my ears in her teeth and dragged me into the schoolhouse for a long lecture. She sent notice to my parents, so when I got home, my sire gave me a sound horsewhipping and my dam sent me to bed without supper.

I didn't learn my lesson, though, not by a longshot. I had found out I could stand up for myself. At that age, I couldn't see a difference between being strong and being a bully, so I decided that, from then on, I was going to be the bully. Instead of being a weakling, I was going to be the one picking on the weaklings.

Shortly after that incident, I discovered that the local weather manager, a Pegasus mare named Rainbow Dash, had a black belt in Karate. I begged her for lessons, and, unaware of my impure motives, she gave them to me. She was a tough, uncompromising teacher: to put it mildly, she totally kicked my dock. I took my lessons in the evening, and afterwards I dragged myself home, barely able to walk, and fell into bed. My dam was concerned, but she didn't try to stop the lessons; I think she hoped I'd found a constructive use for the violent energy I had used on Snips.

By the time Nightmare Night rolled around again, I was the badhaunch of the school, a holy terror. Nopony wanted to mess with me, though, of course, nopony wanted to be my friend, either. Even the fillies wouldn't hang out with me anymore, so I became a loner.

To my joy, Princess Luna came back for my second Nightmare Night. I dressed as a ninja, thinking the costume would go well with my martial arts training. Everypony else still acted scared of her, but not me. I thought she was awesome, so I followed her around the whole night. Besides, I didn't exactly have any friends to hang out with.

Sometime during that night, I got into an argument with some other colts. I don't remember what we were fighting about, but somehow or other the topic of marriage or something similar came up, and I yelled, 'Nuh uh! I'm going to marry Princess Luna when I grow up, so there!'

Children say things like that, and they don't mean anything. One of my classmates, for example, claimed he was going to marry Miss Cheerilee when he grew up, which of course he didn't. But Luna was an immortal goddess; she would be much the same when I was a full-grown stallion as she was when I was a child.

I met her a few more times over the next several years. Every Nightmare Night, she visited a different town or city in Equestria, and when I was old enough to travel on my own, I started following her, going to each community where I knew she'd be. Most of the time, especially in the big cities, I only managed to catch a glimpse of her from a distance, after which I travelled home in a stew of melancholy and frustration.

* * *

><p>When I was in my teens, she came to Ponyville again. Ponyville was so small, it was easy to get close to her and to get a chance to talk to her. I didn't tug her mane this time, but walked right up to her, bowed low, and paid my respects.<p>

'Your Highness,' I said.

She had a coat of the darkest blue. At the ends of her long, slender legs, ornately etched silver bell boots adorned her hooves. Around her neck, she wore a breastplate of ebony inlaid in silver, displaying in its centre a crescent moon carved from mother of pearl. Her mane was a waving mist the rich colour of an empurpled evening sky glittering with stars. Behind her long, elegant horn, she wore, almost buried in her hair, a silver tiara encrusted with black onyx. Her face was solemn and regal, but her eyes were large and strikingly bright; one after the other in slow succession, emotions passed through them like clouds scudding across the moon: gravity followed by amusement followed by sadness followed by a flash of anger.

She was tall, taller than I'd remembered. She gazed down her muzzle at me for a moment, and then wordlessly turned and walked away.

I didn't know what that meant, but I didn't much like it, so I followed her down the street. 'Excuse me, Your Highness. My name is - '

'Pipsqueak,' she said.

'I prefer Pip.'

'It matters not to us what thou wouldst prefer. Tis not meet that a princess should address a mere commoner by his name as if he were an equal.'

'Oh? Since when?'

'Thou wert but a foal when we first graced Ponyville with our presence, wert thou not?'

'That's right. I asked you not to cancel Nightmare Night.'

'We remember. We remember all our subjects, and thou art difficult to forget: we do not recall encountering another pinto since our return from exile.'

I didn't know how to take that. I felt my usual anger rising up, but I suppressed it.

'A shadow lieth on thy countenance, commoner. Art thou troubled?'

'Well, I'd rather not be called "commoner."'

Luna laughed, a wild laugh like the night wind. 'Art thou not common? Verily, with a snap of our hoof, we could have a dozen like thee.'

'You just told me I was the only one like me you'd met.'

She laughed again, and her mane of flowing mist whipped across her face. 'Prettily said. But thou wilt not have thy name, and thou wilt not have thy title. Prithee, what may one call thee?'

'Pip,' I said. 'Just Pip.'

'Pip, then. We grant thee this privilege, but no more. Tell us, young Pip, what is thine occupation?'

I shrugged. 'I'll graduate from school soon.'

'Truly? How time doth fly. We thought thee younger. Perhaps it is thy height.'

Again, I felt anger rising. Again, I pushed it down. 'I work a farm on weekends,' I added.

'Tis a worthy occupation,' she answered. 'In olden days, a king might sit upon a throne in the evening and pull a plough in the morning, and lose no honour thereby.'

'I'm not exactly a king.'

'"Every home a castle, every stallion a king." An honest saying, is it not?'

'Nopony can be a king without subjects.'

'Ah! Thou speakest truly. Thou hast no courtly wit, yet we see thou art more than a rude knave. Very good. Thy conversation pleaseth us, so we shall allow it to continue a moment longer.'

She looked at me expectantly, and all at once, I was tongue-tied.

A small smile appeared on her face. 'Hast thou nothing more to say to thy princess? Thou didst call for her attention, and thou didst demand courtesy above thy station. Hast thou naught to say? Naught of import?'

'Nothing,' I said. I could barely squeeze the word out around the lump in my throat.

Luna stopped walking, turned away from me, and lifted her muzzle into the air. 'Our time is valuable, and thou hast wasted it. Fare thee well, commoner." She spread her wings and leapt into the dark sky. For a moment, I saw her silhouetted against the orange harvest moon hanging overhead, and then, with a flash, she was gone.

I sucked in my breath. My heart hammered in my ears. Feeling dizzy, I leaned against a wall. It had been a silly conversation, and parts of it had annoyed me, but her poise, her haughty glances, her tone of voice, her affected speech, and her wild and magical hair - all had fused together and stabbed at my heart like a lance. I was smitten.

A moment after I realized that, I realized, too, that I had been smitten since the moment I first met her. It had simply taken me years upon years to realize it. I was in love with Princess Luna. I had always been in love with her. I loved a goddess, a literal goddess. I walked to the middle of the street and stared up into the sky where she had gone, up at that full, glorious moon.

'Oh, dammit,' I said aloud.

* * *

><p>When I was a full-grown stallion, I became a farmhoof like my sire. I spent my days bucking hay, my evenings downing sarsaparillas in the pub, and my nights alone. I was still shorter than most other ponies, and I still tried to make up for it by being meaner. I got thrown out of the pub more than once for starting brawls, and I spent more than a few nights in a detention stall for public fighting or public drunkenness. I had a couple of ponies I called friends, a Pegasus named Rumble and an Earth Pony named Strike. They were happy to spend time with me as long as I bought the sarsaparilla and salt, though they disappeared when my money ran out.<p>

Strike and I were sitting in the pub one spring evening a year ago. I had just gotten off work and smelled like hay and sweat. Strike had just come from a bowling tournament, which he'd won, so he generously bought the first round. We were already getting rowdy and making a nuisance of ourselves when Rumble buzzed in, dropped himself on the stool next to mine, and said, 'Hey, Pip. How're the spots?'

'Shut up,' I answered.

'Don't get your tack in a twist. I'm just being polite.'

'You have a problem with my spots?' I demanded.

'Sheesh, are you drunk already, shorty? You are one mean drunk.' He slapped a paper onto the bar in front of me. 'Thought you'd like to see this. Seems your girl is starting a little contest.'

'What girl? I don't have a girl.'

'Read it before you're too drunk to read, idiot.'

I read it. It was a flyer, and in a curving, feminine script, it announced:

Hear ye! Hear ye!

Her Royal Highness,

PRINCESS LUNA,

Mistress of the Moon,  
>Princess of the Night,<br>and  
>COREGENT OF ALL EQUESTRIA,<br>doth declare,

ROYAL GAMES!

All Unicorn stallions are invited  
>to participate, in two weeks' time, in<p>

STALLIONLY COMPETITIONS  
>of martial sort,<p>

including

PONY WRESTLING,  
>JOUSTING,<br>and

HORN FENCING.

The grand prize winner of these games  
>will compete horn-to-horn against<p>

PRINCESS LUNA HERSELF

and may, should he win, ask her hoof  
>in marriage and become<br>PRINCE OF ALL EQUESTRIA.

When I finished reading, I felt a knot tighten in my stomach, and it refused to let go.

'Isn't that precious?' said Strike, who was reading over my shoulder. 'You probably couldn't pay some poor slob to marry that scary witch. What makes her think anypony's going to fight for her?'

'Shut up,' I answered.

'Ah, c'mon, Pip,' Rumble said. 'So you had a crush on her when you were in, what, kindergarten? Shouldn't you have grown out of that by now? Besides, it says Unicorns. Fancy, rich Unicorns, no doubt. Everypony knows only Unicorns get to marry princesses. You, on the other hoof, are an Earth Pony and a farm worker. What's more, you never got your cutie mark. You know a princess isn't gonna marry a poor, angry, Earth Pony blank-flanker like you. You should have always known that.'

I slid off my stool and headed for the door.

'Hey, where you goin'?' Strike called. 'Aren't we drinking?'

'I'm not thirsty,' I replied, and left.

* * *

><p>I spent most of the night aimlessly wandering around town. The moon hung overhead, big, white, and cold, reminding me of things I didn't want to think about. I couldn't help but imagine that Luna was up in Canterlot right then, using her magic to move that moon across the sky.<p>

I stood on the bridge over the river and stared down at my reflection. The moon was right behind my head, and by its light, I could see my heavy, spotted coat, my ridiculously short forelimbs leaning on the railing, my prematurely lined face. I looked angry, bitter. I knew why I had no cutie mark, and I knew why I was alone: I had wasted my life.

I took a deep breath and let it out through my nostrils. I watched it float on the cool night air.

'She wants fighters, does she?' I muttered. 'Well, if there's one thing I know how to do, it's fight.'

The next morning, I called in sick to the farm, and then I headed to the spa. I'd never set hoof inside the place before, but I walked right up to the desk and demanded, 'Do you dye coats?'

The mare behind the desk looked me up and down as if deciding whether I was a hopeless case. 'Yes,' she said tentatively.

'I want white fur. Bright white, all over, like one of those namby-pamby Canterlot Unicorns. My mane, too. And I want my coat shorter. Can you do that?'

'I think so,' she said, though the tone of her voice suggested that she didn't like the sound of it.

'Then get to it,' I ordered. 'I'm a busy pony.'

A few hours later, I walked out of the spa. For the first time in my life, I was spotless. Ignoring the stares from other ponies, I trotted straight to the Ponyville Library.

Sometime before my family moved to Ponyville, Princess Celestia started a tradition of teaching especially gifted Unicorns personally, and of sending them, for their final years of advanced training, to Ponyville, where they lived in the library, a sprawling structure inside a hollow but living tree. After her return, Luna had joined Celestia in this habit of selecting personal students. Their protégés at the moment were Whisper Breeze, a thin and sickly mare with a cream-coloured coat, and the deep purple Starfire, who from a distance looked almost like a miniature version of Luna herself.

I banged on the door. 'Hey, students! You home?'

Whisper Breeze opened the door a crack and nickered softly. 'We're studying,' she whispered.

'I'm sure you are,' I answered.

As discreetly as I could, I stepped to one side so she couldn't point her horn directly at me. Whisper Breeze didn't look like much, but she had powerful magic she sometimes couldn't control; in particular, she sent out magical blasts strong enough to destroy walls every time she sneezed. That wasn't so awful in itself, but she had bad allergies.

'Can I come in?' I asked. 'How's your hay fever?'

'Oh, it's fine,' she whispered. 'I mean, ah . . . ah . . . ah . . .'

I rolled out of the way as Whisper Breeze sneezed and the door exploded from its hinges. When I snapped back to my feet, I found her standing in the empty doorway surrounded by splinters of wood, sniffling and wiping her nose with a hoof.

'Sorry,' she whispered.

Starfire leaned around the shattered remains of the doorframe. 'Woo, nice one, Whisper Breeze. You launched it thirty feet at least, which I believe is a new record. Izzat you, Pip? What in Tartarus happened to your coat?'

'Yes, it's me. I need a favour.'

'Let me guess, you lost your spots and want to find them?'

'That's really funny, Starfire,' I said, not laughing. 'I had my coat bleached, for your information, not that it's any of your business.'

'If you're looking for opinions, I'd say you look ridiculous.'

'I wasn't, but thanks anyway. Can I come in, or am I likely to get killed by a rogue sneeze?'

'You never know in this place, but I have so far survived four months with the walking time bomb here and all my limbs are intact. Come on in. I'd offer you tea, but Whisper Breeze blew up the kitchen this morning.'

'Wonderful.' I walked inside, making sure to walk beside and slightly behind Whisper Breeze so I'd be hard to hit if she got the sniffles again.

'Since I know you don't make social calls, let's get down to brass tack,' Starfire said over her shoulder. 'What do you need?'

'A fake horn,' I answered, 'and a crash course in Unicorn horn fencing.'

Starfire fell to the floor, laughing.

Whisper Breeze turned and looked at me. I jumped out of the way.

'Really?' Whisper Breeze asked.

'Yes, really,' I said.

She ducked her head and pawed at the floor with a consternated look on her face.

Starfire rose to her hooves, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. 'Okay, short stuff. I don't know what you're up to, but it sounds hilarious. I'm all in, and you're in luck: I fence. Luna taught me. She's crazy about the sport.'

I nodded. 'I know.'

Starfire tapped a hoof against my bare forehead. 'This will be an interesting challenge. Let's get to work.'

**Next: Fighting for Love**

* * *

><p><em>Shameless plug<em>: This story can be read on its own, but don't miss the tale from which it vaguely derives, "Shadow of the Dragon Lords," at:

.net/s/7822204/1/Shadow_of_the_Dragon_Lords


	2. Fighting for Love

To Woo a Princess

D. G. D. Davidson

My Little Pony is © 2012 by Hasbro, Inc.

**Chapter 2: Fighting for Love**

I stood in the middle of the main room of the library while Starfire paced around me, sizing me up with her dark violet eyes. As she walked behind me, she slapped a hoof against my croup.

'Hey,' I said, 'isn't that harassment?'

'You've got good coupling, short stuff,' she said.

'Thanks. I know.'

'Short loins, too, and, for your size, long forearms. Your neck has a decent arch, which is important if you want to fence. I guess being small and compact has advantages. Lift a front leg for me.'

I lifted my front right. She poked the toe of her hoof against my frog and nodded in approval. 'Thick wall, good cup. And the slope and length of your pasterns are ideal. You'll need to lose these horseshoes, though.'

'Are you done treating me like one of your anatomy charts? I want you to give me fencing lessons. I do not want to be one of your experiments.'

She put a hoof under my chin, lifted my head, and got in my face. 'Listen, half-pint, unless you want a permanent injury, you'll let me check you over.'

'This sport is that dangerous, huh?'

'I mean, if you don't shut up, I might give you a permanent injury on purpose.'

'Ah.'

She stepped back, looked me over again, and said, 'I have good news and bad news. You're strong for your size, and you're well-built. But you have a major disadvantage. I'll give you one guess as to what it is.'

'I don't have a horn?'

'Very funny. I'll give you one more guess, smart-mouth.'

'I'm short.'

'Bingo. But your legs don't concern me as much as your neck. Horn fencing is mostly in the neck. A long neck is more prone to injury, but a short neck isn't flexible enough. You, of course, are built all-around for avoiding injury, but you're not terribly flexible, are you?'

I shrugged. 'I like to think I've made up for it somewhat, but, yes, I have a stiff neck.'

She rubbed a hoof under her chin. 'We'll do what we can for that, but you'll have to rely heavily on footwork. That's risky, because, as I said, the neck is where it really happens.'

'We're not going to be able to do anything at all until I have a horn, you know.'

'Whisper Breeze is working on that problem, and you can actually learn a great deal before we get your horn. At any rate, the first step in a fencing regimen is quite easy, at least for you. You might even like it.'

'What is it?'

'Neck massage. Get on the floor, sawed-off.'

I stepped back from her. 'You're funning me, right?'

'I am deadly serious.'

I took another step back. 'You know I'm not really a touchy-feely kind of stallion, right?'

She walked toward me. 'You better get touchy-feely fast, short round. If you want to learn to fence with a horn attached to your forehead, you'll have to spend a lot of time with your face very close to mine, gazing into my eyes.'

I thought again about how much she looked like Luna. I swallowed. 'Maybe this isn't such a - '

'Lie down before you fall down, half stack. And try to relax. All that tension is just making your neck stiffer.'

* * *

><p>Okay, I admit the neck massage wasn't half bad, though Starfire was definitely rough.<p>

'You've got a good crest,' she said as she dug her front hooves into my mane.

'Thanks,' I answered as well as I could around grit teeth. She pushed down so hard, my chin smashed against the floor.

'So, since I'm your new fencing coach, tell me what this is all about.'

'You don't want to know.'

'How long do I have to train you?'

'Two weeks.'

She stopped rubbing. 'Oh, dear. I suspected as much.'

'Are you done?' I started to stand.

'Down, boy. No, I'm not done. Two weeks, huh?' She started rubbing again, now more fiercely.

'Yes . . . ow!'

'I'm not stupid, Pipsqueak.' She did something that made my neck creak.

'Did I say you - ? Yow!"

Now she dug in really hard, and I crawled backwards to get away from her. Glaring, she following me across the room.

'I'm Luna's protégé, you moron. Don't you think I know about her tournament?'

'I assumed you did. So what?'

'So why do you want to pass yourself off as a Unicorn and compete in it?'

I rose to my hooves and experimentally turned my head. When the pain from Starfire's ministrations ebbed, my neck felt pretty good. 'That's none of your business.'

'Oh, I think it is. We protégés tend to be rather protective of the princesses. If this is some sort of prank, so help me, I'll curse you so hard your granddam will break out in warts, and don't think I can't.' A flash of light crackled across her horn.

I winced. 'Easy on the magic! I'm not pranking anypony!'

'Then explain yourself now or I'll kick you out the door and it's no fencing lessons for you.'

I looked down at the floor and felt heat enter my face. 'Well, it's . . . I . . . I don't quite know how to - '

Starfire sat down on her haunches, clutched her gut, and laughed long and loud. My face grew hotter.

'Good Celestia, you have got to be kidding me! That is too rich! Pipsqueak, how did you get such an idea in your head?'

I lifted my face and frowned at her.

'Oh, Pip!' she cried. 'Your newly bleached coat is so adorable when you blush!' She fell onto her back and kicked her legs, still laughing.

I waited a few minutes until her laughs subsided. 'You done?' I asked.

She looked at me and burst into a fresh fit of giggles. If she weren't a mare, I probably would have cleaned her clock.

After another few minutes, she finally rose to her hooves and wiped tears from her face. 'Thank you, Pip. I needed that. Oh, my. So, you've decided to marry my mistress, have you?'

'Something like that.'

'Good luck. You know you've got a snowball's chance in Tartarus of even placing in the tournament, let alone - ?'

'I know.'

'Then why?'

I turned from her and examined some of the books on the wall, running a hoof over the gilded titles on the spines. I didn't read much, and it suddenly occurred to me to be sad that I hadn't heard of any of the books on that shelf. 'You ever had something you just knew you had to do, even though you knew you'd fail at it?'

I glanced at Starfire. She cocked her head as she watched me. 'Not really,' she said.

'Then I can't explain myself to you.'

'So you enter a Unicorn tournament, get your dock kicked in the early rounds, and come home. Why bother?'

'I told you. I have to.'

'You don't have to do donkey squat. Explain yourself.'

I closed my eyes and said the words that were so hard to say. 'I'm in love with Princess Luna.'

Wincing, I opened my eyes. To my surprise, Starfire didn't laugh again. She nodded. 'Since when?'

'Since I was a foal.'

'Ouch.'

'Yeah. And I know if I enter this tournament, I'll lose. I know you can't teach me to be a master fencer in two weeks. I know I'll walk out of Canterlot a failure, and I know I'll come back to Ponyville and work and spend all my money and maybe die in a fight or from sassafras poisoning. But by Celestia - no, dammit, I don't swear by Celestia anymore - by Luna, at least I'll know I tried something worthwhile. At least I had one dream and I chased it as best I could.'

Starfire chewed her lower lip as I spoke. When I finished, she took a deep breath and said, 'You've got me in a bind. She's my teacher.'

'I know.'

'And you're a fighter and a drunk.'

'I know.'

'Okay, shorty, here's the deal: because you don't have a chance, I figure you can't do any harm. If the tournament gets this lifelong infatuation out of your system, well, I think it'll be good for you. But we're going to work it out of your system. Just because you're going to fail is no excuse to slack off: you're going in with everything you've got. If this is really your one dream, you're not blowing it on my watch.'

'Agreed.'

'That means, if you want me to be your trainer, then for the next two weeks, I own you, Pipsqueak. You don't even blink until I say okay.'

'Deal.'

'Here's my first order: from this moment forward, you're a tee-totaller. If I so much as imagine I smell sassafras on your breath, I will rip your tail out by the dock and keep ripping until I pull your whole spine out your backside. Got it?'

'Yes.'

'A fighting tournament isn't just about beating up other ponies. It's about style and decorum. It has ritual. It demands polished manners. If I am going to let you anywhere near Princess Luna, you are going to be a genuine, bonafide gentlecolt by the time I'm through with you.'

'Sounds good to me.'

She blinked a few times. 'Really?'

I grinned. 'I'll think of it as suffering for love.'

She stuck out her tongue and made a face.

* * *

><p>That very day, Starfire started me on basic techniques and proper form.<p>

'There are two fundamental mistakes, and you'll inevitably make them,' she said. 'Because your weapon is on your forehead, you'll be tempted to raise your head to get a better view of your opponent. That, of course, opens you up, and he'll score a touch. The other mistake is to look down and watch his hooves. What you want to do is keep your eyes locked on his: you discern his moves by watching his eyes, not his horn or feet.'

'Learned the same thing in Karate,' I replied.

'This isn't Karate, half-pint. It's more like dancing. You dance?'

'No.'

'Well, the Karate might help during the wrestling tourney, at least.'

'I'm not worried about the wrestling, and I think I can manage the jousting. It's the fencing that bothers me.'

'Uh huh. And I guarantee it's the main event. When Luna goes up against the winner, she'll be fencing.'

'Only fencing?'

She slapped my poll with a hoof. 'Don't get any ideas. The princess isn't going to wrestle a stallion, idiot.'

Over the next several hours, she taught me the basic moves and made me practice them over and over until I was exhausted. I learned the guard, the lunge, the fleche, the retreat, the stomp. Starfire critiqued every slight movement of my body. She was harsh, but I bore it.

'This isn't freestyle bar-fighting,' she snapped. 'Keep that back straight. Keep that neck curved. Stop splaying your legs like a mare in rut and stand straight, darn it.'

She dished it out, and I took it. I clenched my teeth and kept silent as I performed the same simple moves ad nauseum, and I reminded myself that, however tough Starfire was, she was nowhere near as tough as Rainbow Dash had been.

After she made me redo a lunge for what had to be the thousandth time, I said, 'This is beginning to feel pointless.'

'Good. That means you're progressing. I want you to do it until it feels instinctive.'

When the sun began to set, Starfire let me take a quick break for water and salt, and then she forced me to repeat the moves, this time with her face in front of mine and her horn pointed at my forehead. She shouted the moves she wanted me to make, and if I wasn't fast enough, or if I looked away from her eyes, or if I did anything else wrong, she gave me a sound rap with her horn. It didn't take long before my forehead was thoroughly bruised.

'That stings.'

'These are light taps, wussy boy. Wait until you're doing it for real.'

Somewhere around midnight, she let me sit down.

'Now, I'm going to show you the movements we're doing tomorrow, and I want you to pay close attention to my horn. Then we're done for the day.'

'It's about time.'

'No complaining, or you're out of here.'

'Who's complaining?'

'That's what I thought you said. Now watch.' Standing straight enough to make a posture-obsessed schooldam weep, Starfire made a series of rapid maneuvers while calling out, 'On guard! Quarte! Octave! Sixte! Septime! Riposte! Flunge! Envelopment!'

I was appalled. She was right: it was like dancing. I watched the muscles of her neck and shoulders go from relaxed to tense at exactly the moments when she could expect contact, and then immediately become relaxed again. I watched her move her hooves with perfect precision even when she stamped, ran, or leapt. She was plainly quite good at what she was doing, but her horn movements were tiny.

'It just looks like you're wiggling your head around,' I said. 'I can't tell one move from another.'

'It takes an enormous amount of practice, Pip. This is a very precise sport.'

'I see that. Wow, I'm stewed, aren't I?'

'I already told you: there is no way you're picking this up in two weeks. Now go home and get some sleep.'

* * *

><p>Well aware that I would lose my job, I blew off work and returned to the library the next morning. To my surprise, I found a take-away breakfast from Sugarcube Corner awaiting me.<p>

'What is this about?' I asked as I sat down in the students' breakfast nook and dug into a plate of eggs and haybrowns.

'Fattening you up for the slaughter,' Starfire answered as she sat across from me and perused the morning paper while sipping oat-scented coffee. 'But actually, as I mentioned before, we have lost our kitchen, and I simply thought I would share this bounty.'

'That's very nice of you,' I answered. The present owner of Sugarcube Corner was a mare named Twist, and she was a fine cook.

Starfire leaned across the table and slapped my muzzle. 'The other reason is to give you some lessons in manners. Get your knees off the table and don't talk with your mouth full.'

I chewed, swallowed, and said, 'I am an Earth Pony. I can't magick food to my mouth like you can.'

'That'll be a problem if you want to pass for a Unicorn in Canterlot. Unicorns use basic levitation spells for everything. They lift food to their mouths. They don't graze like animals.'

'Nothing I can do about that.'

'Yes, there is.'

'I'm not going to like it, am I?'

'I come with you,' she said. 'I wear a hat over my horn so nopony sees it glow. Then I lift the food for you, and you eat it.'

'You have got to be funning - '

'I am serious.'

'If this is an excuse to pour coffee on my freshly bleached coat, Luna help me, I'll - '

'Stop whining, you big baby. Now sit up straight like a civilized Unicorn and prepare yourself.'

'Starfire - '

'No argument or no training, Pip!'

I sat up straight and watched her as she lifted a bite of egg from my plate, directed it toward my face, and rammed it up my left nostril.

Sputtering, I jumped up from the table and blew a snotty chunk of egg to the floor. Starfire was in stitches.

'You did that on purpose, you - !'

'Hush!' she shouted. 'I missed, that's all!'

I sat down again and snorted. 'I'm not doing this.'

'Oh, yes you - '

'Compromise with me on this one. I'll sit up straight, I'll keep my knees off the table, I'll pat my lips with a napkin. But I'll eat the Earth Pony way.'

'Well,' she admitted, 'it would look suspicious if your horn didn't glow anyway. I think you're doomed to look suspicious no matter what.'

'All this is moot until I actually get a horn.'

Just as I said that, Whisper Breeze blew into the room, and I mean that literally. Apparently having sneezed against an unyielding surface, she smashed backwards through the parlour doorway and landed in a heap.

Staggering to her feet, she frantically looked around. 'Oh, no! Did I break it?'

'Break what?' Starfire asked.

'Oh, here it is.'

Whisper Breeze magicked an odd-looking contraption from the floor and dusted it off. It looked like a scooter helmet with a metal dowel sticking out of the front. She brought it to the breakfast nook and clamped it down on my head.

'It fits!' she cried.

'Whisper Breeze,' I said, 'the idea is to make me look like a Unicorn, not make me look like an idiot.'

'Oh, this is your practice horn,' she answered with a smile. 'I'm still working on your real one. Or fake one. Or whatever. But I've found some interesting spells I might be able to rework and I'm sure I'll have something in a few days.'

Starfire, who I noticed was talking with her mouth full even though she wouldn't let me do the same, nodded her head toward Whisper Breeze and said, 'She's really getting into this.'

'Both of you are.' I looked glumly down at my plate. I had a feeling of dissatisfaction sitting in my stomach, and I didn't think I could make it go away until I said something I wasn't used to saying. 'You've been really helpful, and I haven't been grateful enough. So thank you. And I'll be a better student from now on.'

Starfire got up, pulled off my helmet, and tousled my mane. 'We've just gotten started. If I haven't made you grouchy, I haven't worked you hard enough. Breakfast is over, and you now have a horn, so get up and fight me like a stallion, little colt.'

I slid out of my seat and replied, 'Real stallions don't fight mares.'

'Said the guy who wants to go horn-to-horn with Princess Luna. I'm all you've got, shrimp, so, like it or not, you're sparring with me. Don't worry, I'll go easy at first.'

* * *

><p>Life continued in much the same vein for two weeks. I had my horseshoes taken off, as the tournament wouldn't allow them. I learned, to my horror, that I needed equipment I didn't have: pony wrestling required padded bell boots, horn fencing required special safety goggles, and jousting required full armour.<p>

As we looked over the list of items, I shook my head. 'I can swing the goggles and bell boots, but there is no way in Tartarus I can afford a full armour suit. Maybe we should skip the jousting.'

'You can't win the tournament if you don't participate in all three events,' Starfire answered, 'and you're in it to win it even though you won't. You'll need the wrestling and jousting to make up for the points you'll lose in fencing.'

'My brother's a palace guard,' Whisper Breeze whispered. 'He might loan you his.'

I looked at Whisper Breeze's long, delicate cannons. 'How tall is he?' I asked.

'We'll see if we can get somepony's old suit,' Starfire suggested, 'and then take it to Apple Bloom. She can rebuild anything, so I'm sure she can make armour fit even you.'

To my surprise, it was the very day after this conversation, and only four days before the tournament, that I walked into the library to see all the pieces of a beautiful steel armour suit lying on the floor.

'This is too much,' I said.

Starfire, who was examining the armet and playing with its visor, gave me a huge grin. 'You won't believe it, but this once belonged to Shining Armor himself.'

'I don't believe it.'

'We are the protégés of the princesses,' Starfire said, 'and we have connections.'

'One of Celestia's former protégés was Shining Armor's sister,' Whisper Breeze whispered.

I nodded. 'I think I remember her, but I never imagined you'd get her brother's old armour suit.'

Whisper Breeze shrugged, blushed, and looked down at the floor. 'All I did was ask.'

'And let us not forget that Shining Armor married a princess,' Starfire said. 'This is an auspicious sign for you, Pipsqueak.'

'He married Celestia's niece,' I answered. 'That doesn't really count.'

* * *

><p>Apple Bloom was a red-maned mare with a yellow coat. She ran a mechanical shop, and she really could work wonders. She mangled Shining Armor's beautiful armour in ways I don't even want to describe. When she was finished, the armour wasn't quite as pretty as it had been at first, but it fit. It took the four of us a good hour to figure out how to get me dressed in it. We finally determined which was the cuirass and which was the backplate, and where the culet went. Apple Bloom attached the greaves to my rear cannons and the cuisses to my haunches while Whisper Breeze attached the rarebraces and vambrances to my forelegs. When they were finished, Starfire shoved the armet down over my head and gave it a thump for good measure.<p>

'Well, if that don' beat all,' Apple Bloom said. 'Looks just like them palace folk, only smaller, an' he's got a hole in his helmet where a horn should be, but all in all, he looks mighty fine.'

'Thanks, Apple Bloom,' Starfire said. 'You're amazing.' She tapped my helmet again. 'How you feeling in there, small stuff? Like canned fruit?'

'I can't move,' I answered.

'You better learn to move, and quick. It's just a few days to the tournament and you have to gallop in this thing.'

'This is making me think we should stick to fencing,' I said.

She rapped my helmet again.

* * *

><p>The evening before we had to leave for Canterlot, my gut was twisted in knots, most especially because I knew that it would be only a short while before I would see the princess herself. I would probably only see her from a distance, but I would see her nonetheless.<p>

I lay on the floor in the middle of the library and stared up at the knotty, rudely carved wood making up the ceiling. Whisper Breeze and Starfire pored over books and jotted notes. The entire room was a mess, covered in scrap paper and open tomes.

'Will the princess come for the whole thing, or just part of it?' I asked. 'Will she meet the competitors in person? Is she different in the daytime? I've never met her in the daytime.'

'Would you shut up?' Starfire demanded. 'You're not going at all if we don't solve this horn problem.'

'What about this?' Whisper Breeze asked, holding up a sheet of paper on which she'd been scribbling.

Starfire took it and scanned it. 'No, no, no. Not unless you want his brain to dribble out his ears.'

'Yes, there's a side effect,' Whisper Breeze whispered, 'but it would grow a horn.'

'What if we retooled that morphing spell of yours?'

'I could make an extension of his skull burst out of his face, but I don't think I could make a real horn that way.'

'Ugh, let's pass on that one, too.' Starfire stood up and cracked her neck. 'Darn it, I am a student of the Princess of the Night. The problem here is that we're being too conventional. Get off the floor, runt. It's time for some black magic, and I need the space.'

'Oh, Starfire!' Whisper Breeze cried. 'Doesn't that always have . . . consequences?'

Starfire shrugged. 'I haven't broken any vows, told any lies, or entered any formal contracts lately. I'll be fine.'

'This won't end well,' Whisper Breeze whispered.

Starfire cleared a space in the middle of the room, and then, holding a piece of chalk with a levitation spell, drew bizarre symbols all over the floor.

'Do I even want to know?' I asked.

'Probably not,' she answered, 'but if I'm to complete this, I need a few things from you.'

'Such as?'

'A hair and a shaving from a hoof.'

'I think I can part with those - yowch!' I looked over my shoulder to see Whisper Breeze yanking hairs from my tail. 'She said one hair, Whisper Breeze,' I said crossly.

Whisper Breeze dropped my hairs into the middle of a circle Starfire had drawn in the centre of the floor. 'Ooh,' she said, holding a hoof to her muzzle, 'I'm so nervous, it's making my nose itch!' She bolted out of the room and down the stairs, and a moment later I heard a loud explosion come from below.

Starfire shook her head. 'By the time Whisper Breeze finishes her studies, Ponyville won't have any library left.' She finished whatever it was she was drawing on the floor, took a file to one of my hooves to get the shaving, and then told me to stand in the midst of all her chalk markings.

'This doesn't look like regular Unicorn magic,' I said.

'It isn't regular Unicorn magic, slick, but as the personal student of Princess Luna, I have access to certain, ah, channels that most Unicorns don't.'

'Maybe I ought to know about these channels before I - '

'Later. Right now, I need you to hold very, very still, and don't smudge my chalk lines. Oh, and close your eyes.'

'That's part of the spell?'

'No, it's just that you're not going to want to see this.'

I shut my eyes and Starfire chanted something hideous that crawled like a spider through my ears and into my head. The tone of her voice was no different from usual, but my entire body revolted against the sounds she was making, even though I couldn't understand them. I quivered and convulsed, and I heard a low, piteous wail rise over her words and almost drown them out. After a moment, I realized the wail was coming from me, and then I blacked out.

The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes and then shut them against the sunlight that lanced them through an open window.

Shakily, I rose to my hooves to find Starfire lying on the floor next to me. She looked as if somepony had worked her over with a two-by-four.

'Starfire?'

She opened her eyes and gazed blearily up at me. She grinned, and I could see a little blood on her teeth. 'Piece of cake,' she said.

She tried to get up. 'What time is it?'

'Easy,' I said. 'You look like you've had a rough night.'

'Never mind me. We have to get to the station to catch the train to Canterlot. I'll use magic to carry your armour. You get the rest of it. Where are your saddlebags?'

She stumbled, so I steadied her. 'Is there any point now?' I asked. I looked wistfully toward the window and the morning sun. 'Without a horn, there's no way - '

'I think my spell made you stupid.' She reached for my forehead and tapped, but she didn't actually touch my head. Something hard was in the way.

'Welcome to the world of Unicorn Ponies, Pipsqueak,' said Starfire.

**Next: The Tournament Begins**


	3. The Tournament Begins

To Woo a Princess

D. G. D. Davidson

My Little Pony is © 2012 by Hasbro, Inc.

**Chapter 3: The Tournament Begins**

I was on hay and needles throughout the trip to Canterlot. I stared out the window at the craggy mountains and deep, cloud-filled crevasses as our train struggled to pull us up to the high Canterlot Cliffs where the capitol perched. I fidgeted.

'Would you stop bouncing around?' snapped Starfire. 'You look like a foal getting ready to meet Santy Hooves on Hearth's Warming Eve.'

'I'm really nervous,' I admitted.

Whisper Breeze lowered her book, looked over her reading glasses, and smiled. 'He's more like a foal getting ready to meet Night Mare Moon on Nightmare Night, I think.'

'No,' Starfire said, crossing her forelegs over her heartgirth and leaning back in her seat. 'He's more like a teenager getting ready to meet his crush, and it's disgusting in a stallion his age.'

'Sorry,' I said. 'I'll try to settle down. It's been a few years since I've seen her, you know.'

'Of course it has been. Nopony gets to see the princess on a regular basis.'

'Except you,' I answered, unable to prevent a hint of jealously from entering my voice.

A malicious grin spread slowly across Starfire's face. She raised a hoof and said airily, 'Ah, yes, that's right. I must say, she grows only more beautiful by the day. She is ravishing. Her eyes sparkle like clearest crystal, like the moon itself - '

'The moon doesn't sparkle. Leave the bad love poetry to me, why don't you?'

'Please tell me you've written some, and that you're planning to read it in public at the tournament. That would really make my day.'

'I haven't, and I'm not, thank you very much. I'm not the poetic type.'

'Too bad. I think Her Highness would go gaga for a good love poem.'

I blinked. 'Really? You think I should - ?'

'Stop teasing him,' Whisper Breeze whispered, scowling and returning to her book.

'She must like poetry,' said Starfire. 'Luna is old-fashioned in many ways, having been locked up in the moon for a millennium. Actually, Celestia is, too. Comes of being immortal, I think: they can afford to let fads pass them by. I suppose they can take a longer view than the rest of us can and tell more easily what's merely a fad and what's not.'

'Celestia's really fond of cake, though,' Whisper Breeze whispered.

'So Luna likes poetry,' I mumbled. I sank into my seat, suddenly feeling depressed.

'Good grief, you are an idiot,' said Starfire. 'Plenty of stallions have wooed mares without being poets. Why do you think poets publish? If you can't write your own poems, read somepony else's. "A book of verses beneath a tangled bow, a bale of hay, a jug of cider, and thou." Girls go crazy for that one.'

'I'll remember it.'

'Please do, and tell me how it works out.'

Whisper Breeze glared over her glasses again.

'Whisper Breeze,' I asked, 'how do you tolerate being Starfire's roommate?'

'She and I have a fair exchange,' said Starfire. 'I annoy the hay out of her, and she nearly kills me by accident. If I can't complain about her out-of-control magic, she can't complain about my out-of-control personality. Since we don't complain about each other, we necessarily get along.'

'You make it sound so pleasant.'

'The princesses select certain types for their protégés,' Starfire replied. 'Celestia's hoof-selected students are bookish types, like Whisper Breeze here. Luna's are obnoxious brats like me. Celestia picks thinkers and Luna picks doers. Since their students complement each other, they either become BFFs forever or they strangle each other. Sort of like the princesses themselves.'

'I have a hard time picturing the princesses strangling each other.'

'You forget that your precious Luna, my mistress, the princess you claim you love, tried to overthrow Celestia entirely and cloak the world in eternal darkness, not once, but twice.'

'Oh, right. That.'

'Yes, that. I know some stallions like bad girls, but you're taking it a little far, don't you think?'

'You're the one who studies under her.'

'That's because I'm one of the bad girls, shorty. What's your excuse?'

'I like bad girls, and I don't settle for second best.'

Starfire burst into laughter.

* * *

><p>Checkered with fields, encompassed by forest, and cut by rivers, the valley spread out below. Ponyville was so distant and tiny, it looked fake, like a child's playset, whereas Canterlot, which I had never before visited, and which had always seemed an imaginary place, now proved solid and real. Surrounded by mists, it clung to its high cliffs like a fantastic fungus growing from cracks in the rock, a fungus that had magically taken on the appearance of a spun-sugar castle. Gleaming spires, waving banners, and bustling streets greeted us as we left the train. I hired a cart for our luggage and we made our way down shop-lined streets toward the palace and the royal fields where the games were to be held. Most of the ponies in Canterlot were Unicorns, but I saw more than a few Pegasi and Earth Ponies, as well as goats, donkeys, minotaurs, and other exotic creatures.<p>

'It's not usually so crowded,' Whisper Breeze said, her soft voice barely audible over the noise. 'Are they here for the tournament?'

'Possibly,' Starfire answered. 'I thought Luna would scare most everypony off, but maybe they've come out of curiosity.'

'Promising marriage to the victor must have generated some interest,' I suggested.

'She didn't promise to marry the victor, Pipsqueak. You need to read more carefully. A promise means a lot to a student of magic, and no serious Unicorn makes promises lightly.'

When we reached the fields, we found an entire fair. Booths hawked sweetmeats and trinkets while jugglers and tumblers showed off their skills. As we pushed our way through the herds, Whisper Breeze, usually calm and composed, gazed around with a grin on her face. She stopped and stared at every booth selling confections.

'May I get that?' she asked with a schoolfillyish whinny, pointing at a booth selling pink cotton candy. 'May I get that?' she asked again, pointing at one selling elephant ears.

'Why are you asking us?' said Starfire. 'Count your own bits and spend them how you like.'

Whisper Breeze settled on an all-day lolly. Cantering happily behind us, she magicked the lolly to float before her muzzle where she could lick it.

Chuckling, Starfire leaned toward me and muttered, 'She's like a child when it comes to candy. Not unlike her mistress.'

A long queue led to a table where a harried-looking pink Unicorn mare signed up the would-be contestants. We had to stand in the queue for a full hour before we finally reached the front. While we waited, we watched a nearby stage where the Great and Powerful Pixie, daughter of the famous magician Trixie Lulamoon, performed an impressive series of juggling and card tricks to enthusiastic applause.

At last, we reached the table. The pink mare behind it looked at me over a pair of spectacles while a sneer formed on her lips. 'I suppose you think you want to fight.'

'That's right,' I answered.

'Bend down, please.'

I lowered my head and she rapped a hoof against my horn.

'Hey!' Starfire shouted. 'What do you think you're doing?'

'Several Earth Ponies have tried to get in here with fake horns. All of their horns fell off when tapped. You look suspiciously big-boned, but you're good to go.' She had me sign a register and a series of release forms indicating that I was entering the contest of my own free will and would indemnify the palace if I were seriously injured.

After writing a fake name on the forms, I smiled at her, but she frowned back. 'Get out of here, Earth Pony.'

Whisper Breeze gasped, dropped her lolly, and clutched her front hooves to her nose.

'Excuse me?' I asked.

'You held that quill in your teeth,' the pink mare said.

'So?'

'So why didn't you levitate it?'

'Is it any of your business how I write my name?'

She threw the quill down in front of her. 'Okay, then, pick it up. With your horn.'

'Hey,' Starfire said, 'my friend here's pretty weak in the magic department, but he doesn't need magic to fence, does he?'

'I'm big-boned because I've had to work like an Earth Pony my whole life,' I said. 'You know, because of my lousy magic.' I bent my head down. 'Want to tap it again? Tug on it?'

The pink mare rose out of her seat. 'I know you're a fake. I don't know how you did it, smarty pants, but - '

'Did somepony say Pants?' called a deep voice. A muscular young Unicorn in a velvet smoking jacket and silk ascot walked over to me and, in chummy fashion, threw a foreleg over my withers. 'That would be me.'

'Shmancy Pants,' the pink mare gasped.

'I say, you aren't questioning the credentials of my friend here?' Shmancy Pants said. 'He's one of my favourite Unicorns, and I've so looked forward to competing with him in the games. Surely you're not throwing him out because the rascal could never make a good levitation spell?' Acting as if he were fooling around with an old pal, he took my horn with his free front hoof and roughly pushed it back and forth.

The pink mare flushed. She tried to gather up my release forms, but accidentally dropped them to the ground.

Shmancy Pants levitated the papers back to the table. 'Is my mate here all signed up?'

'Y-yes,' the mare said.

'Then let him in. Come along, chum.'

Hauling my cart full of equipment, with Whisper Breeze and Starfire tagging along behind, I followed Shmancy Pants, leaving the pink pony to gape.

'Do you know who I am?' Shmancy Pants yelled over his shoulder, struggling to make himself heard above the noise of the mob.

'I think everypony in Equestria knows the Pants dynasty,' I yelled back. 'Your father is that big-shot.'

'Yes, the philanthropist.'

He drew us behind a brightly coloured wagon proclaiming itself to be 'Flim and Flam's Travelling Wonder House,' where we could get out of the press and talk without screaming at each other.

'Why did you save my tail back there?' I asked.

He slapped my shoulder with a hoof. 'You look to me like a real athlete, and I hate to think you'd be tossed out because of the suspicions of that little nag at the desk.'

Judging by the leg he'd thrown over me earlier, and by the contours I could make out under his jacket, Shmancy Pants was no slacker himself in the athletics department. He also had a strikingly handsome face coupled with the noble bearing of Canterlot's upper crust.

'You hoping to marry the princess?' I asked, feeling a little jealous. Then I winced because Starfire stomped on one of my hooves.

Shmancy Pants laughed. 'I'm here to fight, chap, and you look to me like the tough sort of fellow I want to fight with. Too many Unicorns around here are languid and sedentary. Not enough of them have the fire like me. But you have it: I could see it in you the moment I laid eyes on you.'

'Don't you wonder if I'm really an Earth Pony?'

'I don't much care.' He grabbed my horn and pushed it back and forth again. 'If you are, you're the best faker imaginable.' Then he leaned in close and whispered in my ear, 'But if I were you, I'd worry less about magic and more about that blank flank.' He gave my left hip an over-friendly slap. 'Cover it up, boy,' he said, and then he slipped away and disappeared in the crowd.

I jumped in surprise when Starfire gave me a similar over-friendly slap on the other side. 'He's right. We should have thought of that.'

'Eh, everypony knows there's no way to fake a cutie mark,' I said. 'Unless your weirdo magic can - '

'No, nothing I know of can make cutie marks, but we can come up with a good excuse to cover your hips. Let's get you a pair of training shorts. You can wear them in both wresting and fencing, and of course you'll be covered anyway when you joust.'

'Sounds like a plan.'

'It's kind of exciting when a stallion wears clothing on his hindquarters,' she added. 'Every mare wonders what he's hiding.'

'Thanks,' I said. 'I didn't need to know that.'

We walked out from behind the 'Wonder House' and headed toward the castle, where competitors were supposed to lodge. We made it no more than a few hundred yards before we came upon a particularly thick knot of ponies surrounding a high platform on which a grey Earth Pony stallion, a jenny, a Hereford cow, and a female mule or hinny were standing before a megaphone. Above them hung a banner reading, 'Equal Rights in Equestria.' The Earth Pony stallion was giving an impassioned speech, throughout which the cow kept interjecting, 'Oh ya, don'cha know?' The ponies in the crowd responded with jeers.

'Equal treatment and equal employment for donkeys and mules!' the stallion shouted.

'Oh ya, don'cha know?' said the cow.

'Go home, hinny breeder!' somepony cried.

'Celestia's already a mule lover! What more do you want?' yelled somepony else.

'Mules and hinnies - stubborn and ugly!' somepony screamed.

The stallion held up a clipboard in his hooves. 'We are asking everypony to sign our petition for more stringent laws to afford equal opportunities and protect the rights of donkeys, mules, hinnies, cows - '

A loud chorus of boos interrupted him. A dark red Pegasus flew out of the crowd, put his front hooves to his mouth, and roared, 'If you want your foals to have "equal opportunities," then don't marry a donkey and breed hinnies, you ass kisser!'

The rest of the ponies stomped in approval and chanted, 'Ass kisser! Ass kisser!'

'Oh ya, don'cha know?' said the cow.

I pressed a hoof against the quick-release latch on my harness. Leaving the cart behind, I pushed roughly through the crowd and climbed onto the stage.

'I'll sign your petition,' I shouted.

More boos erupted, and the red Pegasus yelled, 'What do donkeys, mules and blank-flank ponies have in common? They're worthless!'

'Spank the blank flank!' somepony shouted, and the rest chanted it back, 'Spank the blank flank! Spank the blank flank!'

So much for covering it up: I was officially the blank-flank donkey-lover in the tournament. It was not the reputation I had been hoping to create.

Now that I was close to him, I could see that the grey stallion on the stage wore a saddle blanket emblazoned with the words, 'Why yes, my wife is an ass.' He put a hoof over his megaphone and asked, 'What's your name, son?'

I gave him the name I'd signed to my forms earlier, a name I'd made up on the spot but which I hoped sounded fierce. 'Rolling Blaze,' I said.

'Well, Rolling Blaze, thanks for standing with me and my family here. I'm Bubblegum Shoes and this jenny is my wife Eleanor. The hinny there is our eldest, Sassy Boots. Oh, and the cow is Betsy Belle.'

'Oh ya, don'cha know?' said Betsy Belle.

'We really appreciate this,' Bubblegum Shoes said, 'and I'll admit it's not the sort of thing we'd expect from a Unicorn.'

'From a - ? Oh, right. Well, look, I've worked with plenty of donkeys and mules in my time, and they've all been good, decent folk.'

As I took up a quill and put my false name on the paper attached to his clipboard, Bubblegum Shoes said, 'Eleanor and I just had our second foal, and you know our children will have a hard time when they grow up.'

'Oh ya, don'cha know?' said Betsy Belle.

In all honesty, I wanted to tell Bubblegum Shoes that if he didn't want his children to have a hard time, he should have reconsidered marrying a donkey. I'm not a big fan of intermarriage myself; I don't like all the nasty off-hoof comments some ponies make about mules being ugly or stubborn, but mules suffer some things that can't be helped: they have no prospects of marriage and no hope of having children to care for them in their old age. And while mules are third-class citizens in Equestria, hinnies are practically nonentities: mules can usually find labour jobs, being naturally sturdy, but hinnies are smaller than mules and consequently worse off. It is perhaps fortunate that hinnies are rare; though it's common for pony mares to marry donkey jacks, stallions marry jennies less often, and they usually have few children. I wondered if Bubblegum Shoes had thought of all this when he married Eleanor, or if he had considered that his family line would necessarily end with his own children.

'What inspired you to stand up?' Eleanor asked me.

'I know what it's like to be insulted, ma'am,' I answered, 'being a' - I almost said 'a pinto,' but then remembered my bleached coat - 'being a blank flank.'

Eleanor smiled. 'Those poor ponies have their special talents emblazoned on their hips for all the world to see. It must be quite a burden for them to walk around with everypony knowing who they are and what they're about just by looking at their haunches. No wonder they scorn anypony who's able to keep his secrets hidden.'

'I hadn't thought of it that way.'

'Life in Equestria is hard for a donkey,' Eleanor added, 'but I would never choose to be a pony if it meant I had to have a cutie mark.'

'You from Trottingham?' Bubblegum Shoes asked. 'You sound like you've got a trace of the accent.'

'Haven't been there since I was a foal,' I replied. I turned to Sassy Boots, dipped my head, and nickered to her. 'Miss.'

She blushed through her brown coat and awkwardly ducked her head in return. She looked unusually delicate for a hybrid. She had her mother's long ears, and her stocky body showed signs of the two species that had intermixed in her blood, but she was almost pretty in a clumsy sort of way.

I stepped down from the stage and shoved aside anypony who blocked my path as I walked back to my cart. Somepony tried to kick me, so I reached out, twisted his fetlock, and made him shriek.

Ponies continued to jeer at me, and some yelled threats. Pretending I didn't notice, I put on my harness, turned to my companions, and said, 'Let's go.'

Whisper Breeze shuddered with a hoof to her nose. She gasped, 'This is so . . . so . . .'

After that, Whisper Breeze delivered the sneeze to end all sneezes.

I'll say this: she knew how to disperse a crowd. She ducked her head and blasted an unladylike collection of bogeys from her nostrils; at the same moment, her horn blazed white and the ground beneath her evaporated. Earth exploded outward in all directions, rippling like a giant wave, gathering up ponies and hurling them like pebbles. A moving wall of grass and rocks hit me hard in the left shoulder, and I blacked out.

I came to my senses to find I had been thrown clear of the rubble. Raising my head, I saw Whisper Breeze lying in the middle of a round crater fifteen feet wide and four deep. Stunned ponies lay around her, knocked over like dominoes. A few were half-buried in a berm surrounding the crater. Half of the stage had collapsed into a pile of jumbled lumber; Eleanor and Sassy Boots pulled Bubblegum Shoes out of the wreckage. Nothing remained of my cart but splinters, and my armour was scattered. The noise of the crowd had disappeared: everypony whom the blast hadn't caught was standing and staring, open-mouthed.

Whisper Breeze rose shakily to her hooves, sniffled, and wiped her nose. 'Sorry,' she whispered.

I found Starfire lying on the ground nearby. She smiled weakly at me while I helped her to her feet.

'Games haven't even started, but I think we've made a sufficiently memorable impact,' she said. She swiftly magicked all the pieces of my armour into a pile and levitated them. 'Let's get the hay out of here before you two do any more damage.'

* * *

><p>At the palace, we met another harried Unicorn mare behind a desk. This one didn't question my authenticity, but she did give us an unpleasant surprise.<p>

'This tournament has brought in more contestants than we expected,' she explained, 'so we have only enough rooms in the castle to give one to each participant and his entourage. No exceptions.'

'What is this, a bad rom-com?' I demanded. 'I am not staying in one room with two young, single mares. And in spring, no less.'

'That's your fault for bringing two young, single mares as your entourage, and in spring, no less,' the mare behind the desk replied. 'Sign here.'

I glanced at Starfire. 'Whatever snide remark you're planning to make - '

'I have none in mind,' she answered, 'but if you snore, I'll kill you.'

We moved our luggage into our new home away from home. It was one of the smaller guest rooms at the palace, but still posh by my standards. It included a bedroom with a large four-poster feather bed and a sitting room with glass furniture and a semi-circular sofa. Crystal chandeliers hung in each of the rooms, and garish blue and pink throw rugs lay on the floors. Decorative marble pillars flanked an arched entryway between bedroom and sitting room, and sculpted into the pillars in high relief were images of Pegasi in flight.

'Problem solved, shorty,' Starfire said. 'We get the bed and you get the couch.'

'Good,' I answered. 'That makes it more likely Whisper Breeze will kill you than me.'

'We've shared a bedroom for months now and she hasn't managed to kill me yet. You look glum. What's the matter?'

'I'd hate it if the princess found out about this and got the wrong idea.'

'Well, we could possibly get out of the problem if we contacted Celestia and Luna and let them know we're here, but I wasn't planning to tell them. They'd find out we're with you, and that could lead to uncomfortable questions.'

'Won't they recognize you anyway?'

'I hate to tell you, slick, but there's a good chance Luna will recognize you, too. She's not stupid, you know. You misunderstand me: I don't mean I intend to keep them from ever finding out. We can't prevent that. But the way I figure it, if they don't find out ahead of time, your chance of getting thrown out on your rump decreases significantly.'

'How so?'

'Well, for one thing, Celestia has a history of playing dumb. If she learns that an Earth Pony has disguised himself as a Unicorn and entered a fencing tournament, she'll probably pretend she doesn't know and let things fall as they may, and likely encourage Luna to do the same. If we come right out and brazenly tell her, though, she has to enforce the rules, see? I don't mind working behind the princesses' backs, but I'm not going to tell a lie to their faces, which is what we'd have to do if we told them we're here and they asked why. Lying to a princess is hazardous to your health.'

Whisper Breeze walked out of the bedroom with a levitated schedule of events floating before her face. 'We have an hour until Luna's opening speech,' she whispered, 'and after that is the inaugural feast. All contestants are to appear in full armour.'

Starfire sighed. 'Let's get you dressed, short stuff.'

I stood in the middle of the sitting room while Starfire and Whhisper Breeze struggled to put my armour on me.

'I had this all organized before,' Whisper Breeze mourned.

As Starfire attached my greaves to my forelegs, she asked, 'So what was that all about earlier with you and the donkey boy?'

'I don't know,' I said. 'Normally, I would have ignored something like that, but today, with all this fighting for love, I guess I got my head full of notions about gallantry and chivalry and standing up for the little guy. When I heard everypony shouting him down, getting up there just seemed like the right thing to do.'

'Didn't think you had that in you, short stuff. But the crowds will remember you, and they know your flank is blank.'

'I know.'

'It could mean trouble, but on the other hoof, it could make you an underpony favourite, depending on your early performance. You better wow them, shorty.'

'You're making me nervous.'

She slapped the armet over my head and laced it. 'Maybe a joke will calm you down. You ever hear the one about the donkey and the mule on a desert island?'

'Knock it off. I don't like mule and donkey jokes. Are you going to tell pinto jokes next?'

'I would if I knew any.'

* * *

><p>We gathered in the circular arena usually used for rodeo competitions. About fifty unicorn stallions, all in full plate armour, stood in rows in the dust. The stands were full to overflowing, and Pegasi who couldn't get seats hovered overhead. My stomach did somersaults, partly because I could feel everypony looking at me, but mostly because I knew that, at any moment, <span>she<span> would appear.

The stallion to my left leaned my way and whispered, 'Hey, we don't have to marry Princess Luna if we win this, do we?'

I scowled. Strange as it may seem, it bugged me to think that any stallion wouldn't want to marry Luna.

'Don't worry,' I whispered back, 'you won't win.'

He chuckled softly.

A strong wind rose up, whistling over the top of the stadium. The Pegasi flapped hard, trying to fight it, but then lowered themselves close to the stands to avoid being blown away. A thick bank of black clouds rolled in and covered the sun, reducing it to a hazy, pale disc resembling the moon. I could feel the hairs of my coat stand on end as lightning crackled overhead. Then two dark gray Pegasi, hideous with batwings and slitted yellow eyes, dressed in platinum armour and harnessed to heavy chains, pulled in an enormous, flying black chariot. They circled the top of the stadium three times and lowered to the earth, forcing the contestants to break rank and scatter. The lightning flashed again, outlining the dark figure holding the chains of the monstrous Pegasus mutants. Her black, hooded cloak covered all of her face aside from her long horn, but her eyes blazed with white fire. She leapt up into the air and her cloak exploded into a shrieking cloud of live bats. She spread a huge pair of wings and swooped toward us like a raptor stooping for prey.

She landed hard, and the ground sank a few inches under her. Screeching, clawing, and flapping, the bats reassembled on her back and shoulders and again took on the appearance of fabric. She tossed her head, causing her hood to fall to her withers.

Everypony gasped. Those in the stands ducked, and the contestants dropped to their knees and hocks, except for me: I was so awed, I simply stood and stared, forgetting to make obeisance.

She was much as I remembered her, tall and regal with a wild mane of dark, starlit sky whipping in a wind only it could feel. Over her breast, she wore an ebony plate emblazoned with the emblem of the crescent moon. Her silver bell boots and onyx-encrusted tiara glittered as if reflecting starlight. Her face was solemn and regal, but her enormous, luminous blue eyes displayed an ever-changing stream of emotion.

In my chest, my heart beat slowly and steadily, but with such force I thought it might burst from my body and drench the stadium in blood. When I grew dizzy, I realized I had forgotten to breathe since Luna's chariot first appeared overhead.

The same stallion who had whispered to me earlier now whinnied urgently, 'What are you doing, fool? Kneel!'

Luna swept her big eyes around the stadium and fixed them on me. A small smile settled on her mouth, and my hammering heart stopped completely.

One of her bat-winged Pegasi hissed like a snake, baring sharp, needle-like fangs and darting a thick, forked tongue from his mouth. He pulled a release catch and ripped his harness off. Then he took up the chain that had bound him to the chariot and swung it overhead.

'Knave!' he hissed. 'Churl! Show thy princess honour!' He lashed the chain toward me.

Reacting without thinking, I reached up with a foreleg and allowed the chain to strike my greave. Clasping the chain in my fetlock and guiding it with my other front hoof, I twirled it a couple of times and enwrapped the Pegasus Pony's neck.

I tried to go into a crouch and spin-kick my way toward him, but quickly discovered that I couldn't do that with armour on. I fell in the dust instead, but I still had the chain around him, so I gave it a good yank, choking him and taking him off-balance while I pulled myself to my feet. Then, though the armour slowed me down, I ran toward him and aimed a kick for the pressure point where his front left leg met his barrel. I missed: my hoof bounced off his armour.

He leapt at me to stick his muzzle through my open visor and bite my face with his sharp teeth. I pulled away, slipped, and fell on my back. He jumped atop me, but that opened up his underbelly, which his armour didn't cover. I kicked upward with my rear hooves and caught him in the abdomen, right in front of his stifles. Flipping over in the air, he landed on his own back, his head to the left of mine. He rolled toward me and tried to bite again. I rolled to my right to escape; I couldn't gain my hooves, but for the moment I had my face out of his reach.

A glinting silver bell boot stomped down in front of my muzzle, raising a cloud of dust. I gulped and looked up to see Luna standing over me.

'Hold,' she said.

I heard the freakish Pegasus hiss and snarl. Luna fired a crack of lightning from her horn, and the Pegasus yelped.

She encased me in a levitation spell that tingled coldly against my skin. She lifted me from the ground and set me upright. When she released me, my knees and hocks felt so weak, I nearly collapsed again.

Her eyes flashed. Some of her wild, mist-like hair came free from the rest of her mane and whipped across her muzzle. 'Art thou eager to fight?' she asked. 'Thou shalt have thy chance, varlet, but for now, kneel.'

I bent my forelegs and dropped to my knees. I saw that the bat-winged Pegasus who had attacked me was writhing in the dust, foaming at the mouth.

Ignoring both of us, Luna turned to the cowering ponies filling the stadium. 'Behold thy Princess of the Night,' she boomed in a voice louder than thunder. 'In ancient times, we moved the moon across the sky, and for a thousand years we lay in her cold bosom. When our time of exile ended, we returned to rule you again, to guide you with a hoof stern yet merciful, and to command the night, your time of refreshment from the labours of the day.'

As she looked about the stadium, her eyes fell on me again. I lowered my face and trembled like a foal.

'In olden times,' Luna said in a quieter voice, 'we loved to watch the noble warriors fighting in the lists. Twas glorious sport to see the greatest of Equestria's knights drive upon one another with spear or horn, or test the mettle of their limbs in close combat. Yet merely watching these stallionly pursuits was not enough for your princess! Oft we dressed in disguise, feigned to be a stallion ourselves, and entered the competitions! Many a spear we brake, many a shield we shivered, and many a champion we strook down with a blow from our horn!'

'Damn,' I muttered with my muzzle in the dust, 'that is hot.'

'None could best us,' said Luna, 'so we did swell with pride, and we swore a rash oath, saying, "Never shall we marry unless it is to a worthy stallion who can defeat us in fair combat." As even rash oaths bind, this doom lies still upon our head: nopony may ask our hoof in marriage unless he first defeat us in the art of horn fencing.'

A low drone came from the stands as ponies whispered to each other.

'Tomorrow, the tournament begins!' Luna shouted. 'But tonight, we feast! Tonight, the sarsaparilla shall flow like water!'

Everypony cheered.

* * *

><p>The moon shone brightly through the high, stained-glass windows of Canterlot Castle's great hall where the competitors and the members of their retinues caroused at long tables loaded with hay, flowers, sweet grasses, pastries, and other victuals. Luna herself feasted alone on an elevated platform at one end of the room. Great candles several feet high burned on the walls, and an enormous fireplace, large enough for a pony to walk into, blazed in a corner. Ponies sitting near it tossed their scraps in the fire. Others threw the remains of their meals to the mangy dogs prowling freely between the tables.<p>

Starfire had been wrong: there was no decorum here, or at least none that I could detect. No doubt, when Celestia presided over a feast, it had dignity, but when Luna presided, revelry reigned. Stallions quaffed frothy tankards of strong sarsaparilla, joked loudly with one another, and nipped playfully at the giggling, light-footed fillies who moved among them and refilled their drained cups.

I stuffed myself. It was the best food I had ever had, and I reminded myself that I would work it off the next day in the competitions.

A pretty young thing with a white mane and a pale orange coat drew close to me and gave me a brimming cup. I was about to lift it to my mouth when Starfire, sitting to my left, clapped a hoof over it.

'Starfire, what gives?'

'I told you, you're a tee-totaller.'

'But - '

'No buts. I am still your trainer. Good Celestia, you fight out of turn even when you're sober, as you proved earlier. No sarsaparilla for you.'

I sighed. 'Fine, whatever.' Turning to the pretty maid, I tugged her lacy skirt and said, 'Miss, do you have grape juice, cider, anything like that?'

She nodded and slipped away. When I turned back around, I found Luna had drained my cup to the dregs.

'Hey!'

'You're a tee-totaller,' she said, 'but I didn't say I was.' She hiccoughed.

'Where are all the gentle manners you said I'd see here?' I asked.

'They're here, short stuff. You just haven't noticed them. Luna's a living anachronism, remember? She set up this feast to resemble the sort she knew a millennium ago, but just because the manners are different doesn't mean there are no manners. Now get your knees off the table.'

On my right sat Whisper Breeze, who had a levitated copy of the tournament's rulebook hovering before her eyes. She leaned toward me and, in a voice barely above a whisper, tried to explain the structure of the competition.

'It works on a point system,' she said. 'Horn fencing is worth the most points and pony wrestling the fewest. You can enter your name in each event and compete round-robin. On the second day, you can start challenging individual competitors. If you win three bouts in a row in any event, you can challenge all comers. A bout you win after that makes you triple points, but if you lose, you also lose triple points. Points in an all-comers challenge reduce with each bout until they drop to the regular level, and then the challenge is over.'

'Sounds too complicated,' I said. 'Why not just do a simple elimination?'

Starfire hiccoughed again, and with envy I saw that she was well into her second cup. 'We'll putcher name in all three eventsh,' she slurred. 'Personal challenges'll just waste your time, and there's no way you'll get a chansh t' challenge all comers.'

She drained her tankard, reared up, and bellowed, 'The lady's cup is dry! Where's th' sassy?'

I muttered to Whisper Breeze, 'Is she always like this when she drinks?'

'Yes,' Whisper Breeze answered.

* * *

><p>I ended up carrying Starfire to our room on my back as she snored loudly. I tucked her into the fluffy feather bed and left Whisper Breeze to care for her while I, too nervous to sleep, went out to pace the halls. Wan moonlight slanted through all the high windows, casting everything in sepulchral shades of blue. I wondered where, in the many rooms of the palace, Luna kept her chambers.<p>

As I walked down a long, narrow hall, I heard a commotion in the dimness on its other end. Drawing closer, I could make out the glistening coat of a white stallion, the fur of his hindquarters glowing in moonlight shining through a high transom. His foreparts were hidden in shadow, and he struggled with somepony I couldn't see.

A slurred voice floated down the hall. 'Come on, sugar. What's it to you if you give a stallion his pleasure? You can't get preggers anyhow.'

A trembling, feminine voice floated after. 'Get your hooves off me! I told you, I can't - '

'Ah, shut up and do as you're told, half-ass.'

When I drew closer, I saw the stallion had his front legs wrapped around the hinny Sassy Boots and was attempting to kiss her. She looked over the stallion's shoulder and into my eyes, a pleading expression on her face.

I interrupted. 'Excuse me, but the lady said she's not interested.'

The stallion staggered as he turned to me. The moonlight from the window clearly outlined his face: with a sinking feeling, I recognized Shmancy Pants. He grinned. 'Eh, is that you, pal? Fancy meeting you here.'

I swallowed. Wishing I'd snuck a drink at dinner to build courage, I said, 'You're drunk, Shmancy. Go to your room and sleep it off.'

His hooves slid on the marble floor as he stepped toward me. 'Not until I get what I want out of the little hinny here - '

'I told you, she said she's not interested.'

His grin collapsed into an angry grimace. 'Eh, what's it to you? She's just a half-ass.'

'She deserves respect, just like everypony else.'

He laughed, and spit flew from his mouth. 'Like everypony, eh? That's rich. She's no pony.' He grabbed her roughly and, with a snarl, tried again to force a kiss on her. 'You're no pony, are you, sweetheart?'

I tore him away from her. He snarled in my face, so I backhoofed him across the muzzle. Drunk as he was, he lost his footing on the smooth floor and fell hard.

'You ass-lover!' he cried. 'I'm going to murder you, you dam-covering son of a nag!'

I planted a hoof on his mouth. 'That's no way to talk in front of a lady. Now, if you want to do something about this, Shmancy Pants, I understand the tournament allows personal challenges in two days. Come find me then, if you're stallion enough. And if you're sober.'

I neighed to Sassy Boots. 'Let's go. Sleeping it off on the cold marble will be good for him.'

We trotted away from Shmancy. Sassy Boots shivered and glanced at me frequently. Whenever I looked at her, she quickly snapped her eyes away.

'Why did you do that?' she asked.

'I couldn't just walk on by, could I?'

'Three other ponies did before you came.'

Shame burned in my stomach. 'Well, I couldn't. Look, Sassy Boots, I'm no hero, and I'm definitely no crusader for hybrids' rights. I'm just like Shmancy when I'm drunk.'

'How often are you drunk?'

'As often as possible.'

'Why not tonight?'

'Tonight, a friend ran interference. Just show me the way to your rooms and I'll walk you home. What in Luna's name are you doing out so late, anyway?'

'I just felt like a walk. What about you?'

'Huh? Oh, the same.' I looked at her; she looked away and blushed.

I took her back to the apartment where she was staying with her parents. I said good night and turned to go.

'Rolling Blaze,' she said.

I turned back to her.

'I am a hinny,' she said.

'I know.'

'I really can't . . . I really can't love a stallion or a jack, but - '

Before I could react, she leaned in and placed a light kiss on my lips.

'But that doesn't mean I don't wish sometimes.' With her cheeks aglow, she dipped her head and pushed through the door, leaving me standing in the hall.

Slowly, I wandered back to the room I shared with Starfire and Whisper Breeze. I didn't understand this gentlecolt stuff, and most of it was a real pain in the rump, but there were parts I could get used to.

**Next: All Comers!**


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